I’ve been in such a funk I haven’t written lately because I don’t want to be all negative. Then I remembered no one really knows about this blog anyway, so what the heck.
I think I’ll tell you (whoever you are) about my three husbands. Today, it’s Husband #1.
I really loved him. We were high school sweethearts, and I see today that I gave up my entire youth for him. There was no other dating in high school besides him, no going off to college (degrees earned while married just aren’t the same), and I never even gave it much thought what I really wanted in a husband. In my mind, he was just the one.
Looking back, I see that it was all hormones. And puppy-love. And codependency. Even as a teen, I thought I had to have a man for my life to be complete.
So six days after I turned eighteen, we married. It wasn’t easy in the beginning months and years, but I think we really did love each other. I would’ve stayed with him forever–I know I would have.
We had a baby four years after the wedding–a daughter. She was so precious. We were so precious. We were a precious family with so many good things in store. I finished up my degree before she turned two, and then we had another baby. This time it was a boy, and once we held him in our arms, our little family really and truly was complete.
We’d been married over eight years, and I was in my first year of teaching. It was a hard assignment–the hardest of my entire career (I’m saying this after fifteen years of education). I was stressed and overweight and depressed. And he was lonely.
In crept the devil in sheep’s clothing, and boy was she convincing. Once they were found out, he tried to get rid of her many times, but each new trick of hers was more cunning than the previous one. The final blow was when she told him she was pregnant with his child. He left us again, and I was done. I was done forgiving him, I was done laying my heart out there yet again for him to trample on, and I was done having him break our daughter’s heart as he moved in and out of our home (she was four by this time).
So he left us for good. She “miscarried”, but divorce proceedings were under way already–both his and hers. They both divorced their spouses for each other.
I look back on the whole thing and marvel at how the devil won in the destruction of our family. None of our lives has ever been the same. Everything would be different today, and although I know it wouldn’t be perfect, I know the four of us–my ex, me, our daughter, and our son–would be so much more whole than we are now.
So many things I wish I’d done differently. So many things I’d do differently today if I were faced with the same situation. Unfortunately, along with youth often comes lots of bitterness, lots of overreaction, lots of mishandling of really important life issues.
Just last month we moved that precious girl of ours to college. Our son just turned sixteen. He’s still married to She-devil, and I assume they’re just as miserable as they always were. Sad.
It’s all water under the bridge, I guess. My heart still breaks over it though–often.
Until next time … (my #2 husband story is a real doozie) …
Maybe some gratitude will help.
#1 Payday is tomorrow.
#2 I didn’t have to see anybody all weekend, except at church.
#3 It turned fall over the weekend.
#4 I have the best friends, online and off.
#5 My girl can cook.
#6 Kindle makes it possible to hold a 500-page book in your hands in under a minute.
#7 Green smoothies taste awesome with the right combination of fruit.
#8 Tomorrow is another day, always.
#9 Last week is over now.
#10 It’s kind of fun remaining anonymous. Anxious to see how this unfolds–want to follow? Thankful.