He smiled at me in my dreams

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I’m not sure when it started to happen, but I’ve been waiting on it to come.

They wound us so deeply and the hurt comes sharp and cutting. And soon it festers, then before long the anger bubbles up. But sooner or later we know the unforgiveness imprisons us, so we try to let go.

And we try.

And we try again and again, knowing forgiveness is not a feeling, but a decision. Then why, Lord, do I still hate him for what he did to me? 

But I know that now, over a decade since #1 abandoned me, time is the thing that helps us let go. Time and Jesus.

So now here I am again, waiting and willing my fist unclenched to let go of this, too. But this thing is harder, and my hand and heart hold more tightly to it.

Is my mind playing tricks on me? I see flashes of his face lately, sprinkled here and there in my mind throughout the day. The crazy thing, though, is when I see him I don’t see evil, but good. It’s been almost four years since I saw anything good in his face. FOUR. YEARS. That’s a long, long time to hold onto something so horrible and tragic and poisonous.

So these flashes, they keep coming. He was a person—a good one. He was real. He was flawed. He was desperate. He was ill.

And the other morning, well before the break of dawn, I opened my eyes and realized he’d just smiled at me. He smiled at me.

He smiled at me in my dreams. And so the healing begins. Finally. Finally, thank You Jesus.

I’ll tell you about him soon. It’s a hard story.

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#11 that dream. Oh thank You Jesus for that dream.

#12 those flashes of good. Oh Lord, You are so good to let me see the real him again, even for split seconds at a time. Thank You.

#13 cold weather, such a welcome relief

#14 family gatherings around the fire

#15 how we find Him near us on Sunday mornings even in those rare times we aren’t in church. Amen.

* linked with Holy Experience and Soli deo Gloria

My three husbands {Part I}

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I’ve been in such a funk I haven’t written lately because I don’t want to be all negative. Then I remembered no one really knows about this blog anyway, so what the heck.

I think I’ll tell you (whoever you are) about my three husbands. Today, it’s Husband #1.

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I really loved him. We were high school sweethearts, and I see today that I gave up my entire youth for him. There was no other dating in high school besides him, no going off to college (degrees earned while married just aren’t the same), and I never even gave it much thought what I really wanted in a husband. In my mind, he was just the one.

Looking back, I see that it was all hormones. And puppy-love. And codependency. Even as a teen, I thought I had to have a man for my life to be complete.

So six days after I turned eighteen, we married. It wasn’t easy in the beginning months and years, but I think we really did love each other. I would’ve stayed with him forever–I know I would have.

We had a baby four years after the wedding–a daughter. She was so precious. We were so precious. We were a precious family with so many good things in store. I finished up my degree before she turned two, and then we had another baby. This time it was a boy, and once we held him in our arms, our little family really and truly was complete.

We’d been married over eight years, and I was in my first year of teaching. It was a hard assignment–the hardest of my entire career (I’m saying this after fifteen years of education). I was stressed and overweight and depressed. And he was lonely.

In crept the devil in sheep’s clothing, and boy was she convincing. Once they were found out, he tried to get rid of her many times, but each new trick of hers was more cunning than the previous one. The final blow was when she told him she was pregnant with his child. He left us again, and I was done. I was done forgiving him, I was done laying my heart out there yet again for him to trample on, and I was done having him break our daughter’s heart as he moved in and out of our home (she was four by this time).

So he left us for good. She “miscarried”, but divorce proceedings were under way already–both his and hers. They both divorced their spouses for each other.

I look back on the whole thing and marvel at how the devil won in the destruction of our family. None of our lives has ever been the same. Everything would be different today, and although I know it wouldn’t be perfect, I know the four of us–my ex, me, our daughter, and our son–would be so much more whole than we are now.

So many things I wish I’d done differently. So many things I’d do differently today if I were faced with the same situation. Unfortunately, along with youth often comes lots of bitterness, lots of overreaction, lots of mishandling of really important life issues.

Just last month we moved that precious girl of ours to college. Our son just turned sixteen. He’s still married to She-devil, and I assume they’re just as miserable as they always were. Sad.

It’s all water under the bridge, I guess. My heart still breaks over it though–often.

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Until next time … (my #2 husband story is a real doozie) …

Lemony Sue

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Maybe some gratitude will help.

#1 Payday is tomorrow.

#2 I didn’t have to see anybody all weekend, except at church.

#3 It turned fall over the weekend.

#4 I have the best friends, online and off.

#5 My girl can cook.

#6 Kindle makes it possible to hold a 500-page book in your hands in under a minute.

#7 Green smoothies taste awesome with the right combination of fruit.

#8 Tomorrow is another day, always.

#9 Last week is over now.

#10 It’s kind of fun remaining anonymous. Anxious to see how this unfolds–want to follow? Thankful.

* linked with Holy Experience and Soli deo Gloria

When life gives you lemons

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Welcome to my new escape, a brand new blog called Somewhat Lemony.

What can I say? Of all the sweetness in my life, the fact is there’s just a lot of sour. A LOT of sour. For the first time since I was fourteen, I have no husband, no boyfriend, no BFF, and no family in the same town. It’s just me, my kids, and God (who happens to be a pretty good Husband, but still).

There’s even a singles ministry at my church, but NO THANK YOU. I get the least bit friendly with a guy (not meaning to flirt in any way, shape, or form) and he suddenly wants to marry me. And he’s always old. I don’t mean as in a few years my senior. I mean, OLD, as in he reminds me way too much of my dad (whom I adore, but whom I don’t want to marry).

I used to blog elsewhere about my life, my widowhood, my kids, and my spiritual walk. But to be honest, I am utterly sick of being careful with my words. All my friends and family followed my last blog, and I’m tired of holding back my words for fear that I’ll cause them worry. The fact is, if I am completely honest, it WILL cause them worry. Much of the time I’m discouraged, angry, and feeling completely alone in a world full of couples who do nothing but let the world know how deeply in love they are.

I’m still deeply spiritual, and I absolutely still believe in clinging to Grace, but the fact is that being a single mom just SUCKS sometimes. Seriously. It’s so hard. It’s so lonely. It’s so dang sour.

No one can really understand what I’m saying except single moms. No one else gets what it’s really like to carry the burden of single-handedly supporting and bringing up our kids in today’s world.  And if I’m ever blessed to remarry, I pledge here and now and for the rest of my days to sing the praises of single moms to the masses—because you know what, girls? We are heros.

I hope you’ll bring all your single friends over and let’s hash out this crazy life together. Hey, and please be patient with me as I take some time in decorating my new home, K? I know it’s plain and ugly right now (kind of like most of the rooms in my undecorated house), but I’ll work on it. Promise.

Until next time … hugs,

Lemony Sue